Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
