You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
