i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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