if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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