i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
