So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Randomize
