Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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