this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
