I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
