Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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