I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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