my mouth tastes like poor choices
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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