i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
