did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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