as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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