Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
