I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
