its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
