you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think people are normalizing furries
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
