It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
