Will you blow on my dice?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
