pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
