Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
