smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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