I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
