whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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