I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
