Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
