if i can run in heels then i can drive
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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