Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
