pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
