I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
