i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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