I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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