i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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