You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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