if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you would pick up someone in the library
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
