Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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