My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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