recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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