: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
