He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
