i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
