I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
