smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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