Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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