How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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