I faked an abortion last night.
Quick, to the slutcave!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
