he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
