i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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