i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
